Fuck it.

I hate it when I always think of a person who doesn't give a fucking damn about me. I hate it when I help a person alot they fucking backstab me. I hate it when I did everything for you. I gain nothing But shits. I hate all this. I hate it when I love someone and they give me bullshit in return. I hate everything. I knew it you never loved me in the first place. You say you did. But you did not. You can forget all the good things I did for you. And remember all the hurt I gave you? But what other girls did to you? The hurt they given you. The insult they did to you. You can forget about that? You can accept them the way they are. But mine wow. You take it like it the biggest sin in your life. And throw me like a trash. Henhao! I Don't care about what other says. Saying that your education is low. I'm going to lead a hard life. I'm going time be poor. You are not a good guy. You are bad. You are just trying to destroy my life. Trying to pull me down. I bloody put all that aside and fight for it. And all this shits is what I get in return? And now all this thing is happening. I'm the one to be blame. The one that is bad. That is destroying you life? Trying to make you like a fool. Fucking insult me and talk bad things about me on social network. Bagus.  Muka korang kalau aku tak tampar tu dah cukup bagus sial. Nbcb perangai sial habis. Buto punya budak.

Why me?

I don't want to quit school. Why me of all. Why I have to go through this. Why? Ya Allah. Tolong la. Berat nyer ujian kau beri pada hambamu ya Allah. Aku tak kuat lagi. Kenapa banyak nyer dugaan kau berikan aku. Kau amik orang aku sayang. Kau hilangkan kepercayaan dia. Sedangkan aku ingin berbuat sesuatu demi hubungan kita. Kenapa ya allah? kenapa kau selalu beri aku ujian untuk hadapi semua nyer seorang diri. Aku tak sanggup ya allah. Aku tak sekuat seperti apa yang kau sangkakan. Aku tak kuat );

Awak sampai hati awak gini. Ye dulu memang saya selalu text awak kan. Bila anything cause it was my fault. But now. No not anymore. Saya bawak diri. Sebab saya kecewa dengan awak. Awak tak fikir pun yang saya sebenar nya hanya ingin membuat sesuatu baik untuk hubungan kita. Supaya hari jadi awak. Awak akan kembali ceria selalu. Tapi awak buat saya gini. Sampai hati awak biarkan saya lalui semua nie seorang diri padahal awak janji akan selalu dengan saya bila susah dan senang. Sampai hati awak. But still I'm waiting for your text or call. Hats.

Lepas nie. Dugaan apa lagi kau nak beri padaku ya allah.

Forever to be blame.

Ye aku je salah. Aku je anak tak guna. Yang jahat. Kurang ajar. Tak hormat orang. Tak appreciate orang. Pemalas. Semua jahat aku. Ye aku je yang tak tahu jaga perasaan orang kan. Abeh perasaan aku sape nak jaga? Ada mataer tapi mataer selalu nak gaduh. Nak cari kesalahan aku. Semua aku buat ada je salah. Tak betul dimata dia. Macam aku nie jahat sangat untuk dia. Aku nak buat baik. Pun aku salah. Pun aku nie pentingkan jantan lain dari dia. Ye semua aku. Kasih sayang aku beri aku tunjuk tak pernah dia nampak. Dia hargai.

Ye ex kau tu yang lebih kejam dari aku. Yang perangai macam sial macam pukimak. Yang tengok pangkat tu lebih bagus dari aku kan. Aku Yang sayang kau seadanya. Yang tak tengok pangkat and pelajaran semua.  Yang selalu cuba nak baiki diri aku. Untuk kau orang yang aku sayang. Tetap aku semua salah. Aku tak cukup baik untuk kau ke?

Kali ini aku selalu yang sabar dengan kau. Kau marah aku. Kau pekik aku. Aku diam. Salah aku atau bukan salah aku. Aku letak tepi ego aku kali nie. Aku mintak maaf pat kau. Aku cuba baikkan hubungan kita. Aku msg kau dulu. Aku berubah perangai sial aku. Tetap aku disalahkan. Tetap kau selalu marah aku. Ada je yang tak kena pada kau. Sekarang sape yang berubah kau fikir balik cubala. Bukan aku Yang berubah kali nie. Tapi kau. Aku sayang kau dengan sepenuh hati aku. Aku buat semuanya. But kau tetap rasa aku salah. Cari kesalahan. Nak tinggalkan aku.

Hi! I would just want to thank you for everything. Thank you for just now. Thank you for wanting to meet me still. Even if i have done tons of shits before. Thank you so much. I thought that it not gonna turn out well. I mean you know maybe i will just end up being there left alone. You might just get bored and sick of me that you made a decision to leave me instead. By leaving me there all alone. Or maybe another thought is that i thought we might end up fighting. I mean you know a really worst and terrible argument that yeah. Idk just something which i though will be a disaster for me.

But yeah i didn't expect it will turn out this way. It will turn out to be better that what i thought. Idk why. Idk what wrong with me at that moment of time. I just get too nervous. Too nervous that i just screwed up everything. Like i suddenly went blank. Idk what i want to say. Or maybe i have what in my mind. But i just couldn't convey it to you. I could't say what i exactly wanted. Im not sure myself why is that so. Maybe it because my heart was beating so fast. Damn i have no idea why is that even happening. But it just went beating too fast that i can't even hardly breathe. Gosh.

"P.S I LOVE YOU & I MISS YOU ALOT"

I Wish

You know every girl has their own wishes. Their own wishes to find their one and only prince. To bring her somewhere far for a wonderful moment that they will never forget for the rest of their life. A moment that is suppose to capture in a way that is meant to be memories. To be treated like a princess. Yeah I bet. Every girl wants that. But I don't think that is even real. I mean that only happened in fantasy don't they?

My wish... There is alot of wish which i would like it to be reality. But for now all i want is just for you to come and meet me. Or Maybe at least a text from you. Or a call? That is enough for me. A text that Maybe conveys the same feeling that I have been feeling all this while? Even If I know. You doesn't feel the same way towards me anymore. There is no more of that kind of feelings now. No more for me.

But awak... don't you miss me? Don't you miss me like how I did? You don't trust that I will change? You don't trust that I'm able to do it for the better? Are you also pulling me down now? You think that I'm the bad one. Don't you have any faith in me?

"Dapatkah selamanya kita bersama? Menyatukan perasaan kau dan aku. Semoga cinta kita kekal abadi sesampainya akhir nanti selamanya."

I miss you alot

Hi! Yes, i know. No matter how many text i have sent you. I know you just won't reply me. Even if you already read it. Or worse still you won't even bother to read it and just ignore it. I know that. I know that and i can feel that hatred you had for me. I know how mad you are with me. I know how you feel. Cause i once been in your place. But you know, I would not want anything else from you. I just want you. I don't want your money and stuff. With full of sincere i just want you back that all. I know all this is just a dream. It won't turn back into reality anymore. It won't i guess. No matter how much I pray for Allah to open up your heart. You just won't do it though. I just want to say this. I miss you sayang. I miss everything about you.  miss us. It hard for me lived like this. It hard for me to go through all this. I have been pretending that I am okay. I have been pretending to them that everything is alright that i'm strong enough to face all this. I am able to joke around, smile and laugh like nobody business. Do all of that, like i don't face any problems or doesn't have anything in my mind. Yeah maybe you are right. That i'm strong enough to face all this shits. That i can act really well and pretend that nothing has happened. Yes you are definitely right. But do you have any idea. How i always cried at night. Reflect upon what is happening in my life. 

Reflect on how i am tired of everything. On how i am physically and mentally tired of everything. I am tired of trying to be perfect. Im tired of trying to please everyone but everyone does not see that. Basically I am just tired of being tired. At times i just think that i am just a burden for everyone. Everyday, i pray for forgiveness. I also pray hoping that you will forgive me. I pray that Allah gave me the strength to go trough all this. Gave me the courage to overcome all this. Everyday i woke up, i just hope it will be a good day for me. It will just turn out to be better. But no that does not happen. Yeah i know. Things doesn't always turn out to be your way. But why? It too much. He really test me too much. For an 18 year old like me! Even if i try to remind myself that "Allah bagi dugaan sedemikian sebab allah yakin dan percaya bahawa hambanya dapat menghadapinya dengan kuat dan tabah" But it really hard. There just too much for me to faced. Too much of responsibility for me to hold on to. At times I wonder where is my happiness? When will i feel that sense of happiness? Will i even get to taste that happiness? Why don't i deserve the same happiness just like any other teenagers? You know i have always wanted to meet you. But i know you wouldn't want to meet me. cause you don't want to see my face. And you think there nothing for us to talk about. I love you with all my heart no matter what has happened. I really miss you alot ... sayang really alot.

"Ya allah maafkan aku jika aku mengeluh kepada dugaan yang diberi untuk mennguji diriku ini ya allah. Berilah hambamu ini semangat, ketabahan dan kesabaran untuk menjalani semua dugaan ini ya allah. Jadikan aku manusia yang sempurna dengan akhlakmu ya allah. Tunjukkan aku jalanmu yang lurus itu ya allah. Supaya aku tak sesat ya allah. Tenangkan la hatiku ini ya allah supaya aku kuat ya allah. Bukakan la pintu hati muhd taufiq ya allah. Dan semoga dia maafkan aku ya allah. Kepadamu ku berserah dan berdoa ya allah. Kerana aku yakin kau mendengar doa hambamu ini ya allah. Amin amin ya rabbal alamin."

Have you been there?

Have you been in a situation where you try to be perfect for everyone? Where you try to please everyone. Where you try your very best to do what they want to? Putting their own wants first. Just because you want to see their smile? Just because you do it for the sake of their happiness. Doesn't matter actually if by doing that you have to put your own happiness aside. You don't matter about all that cause all you know is that you want to make them happy. But after everything that you did. You end up realizing that people don't appreciate you. The people around you seems that you are just trying to do things on your own way. They just think that you are trying to be selfish. Maybe that the sad truth that is happening nowadays. You can never please anyone. People will forever judge your past. People will think you will never change and can't never change. You will forever gain haters. You will never heard people says good thing about you. Never cause people will forever think you are the bad one. No matter what. Even if the person who judge you is far more worst than you. Still people don't see that. Cause they will still think that you are far more worst than the others.It easy to say forget about those people that says bad thing about you. Cause in the end it you who they are saying about. In the end, it you who has to go through all this shits.

Muhd Taufiq, I thought you will be there for me when all of this people are pulling me down. Yes you always says that i am strong enough to handle all this. And that i must not give up half way. Yes i always remember that. But tell me how long can all this last? Tell me how long can i handle all of this? Even if i am really that strong enough like what you said, i will still break down at a point where i really could not hold it longer anymore. I just want you to know that i need you to hold me up. I need you to be there for me when all this shits is happening. Like how we once used to be. Where you always will be there for me. Through my happiness and sorrow together. Where you will always remind me that you are always there for me. That i can tell you everything. All my problems that i am facing if i want to. So i could least the pain and burden that i am holding on to all this while. How you always remind me that I am not alone that is the reason why you are here with me. Here with me ALWAYS.

"I NEVER MEANT TO START A WAR, I JUST WANT YOU TO LET ME IN. YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME"